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An Ode to a Disembodied Torso

February 13, 2010

Chivalry may not be dead, but my inbox contains evidence that it has sustained collateral damage. Enter the disembodied torso, well-kempt but undressed, brandishing the best proposition it’s incomplete countenance could assemble.

Emboldened by the desperation lingering in the crisp Winter air, Valentine’s Day has a way of drawing undesirable men from their hyperbolic hibernation long enough for their lotion covered fingers to press send.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think it were a part of a conspiracy seeking to further erode the standards of lovely single women such as myself. Trust me folks: this particular limbo contest will go no lower.

For your reading pleasure, I present the email I received this week. Sure, it’s skeevy but you gotta love a guy with a crotch shot and dream.

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Vag(hi!)na

November 17, 2009

Love, love, love this article I came across on realbeauty.com called “27 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex”

My personal favorite?

# 21: The way your vag(hi!)na looks is perfectly normal.
And no, we don’t have to see it to know that.

27 Things Every Woman Should Know About Sex

Condominimum

October 1, 2009

www.afa.org.sg-safe sex play safePeanut butter and Jelly.
Moby and Dick.
Dating and Sex.

Studies tell us that ‘safety’ is an illusion when it comes to the cooties you expose yourself to with any partner. ‘Smart Sex’? That’s attainable.

Don’t get burned by the heat of the moment. If you’re gonna do the deed, you’d better wrap up that reed.

Read all about it in The Frisky’s Condom Commandments.

Ph.D’zzzzzzzzz

August 11, 2009

pilgrimgirlI keep meaning to post a link to this NYT article about the results of two recently published se*x surveys from Indiana University (Go Red Wolves!). Breaking news straight from the heartland: we Puritans are loosening up the old collars when it comes to vibrators and other adult toys. Hooha-hooray!

And though this little tidbit one doesn’t come as a shock, I thought it worth highlighting this gem:

“The more religious a person, the less likely she was to use a vibrator, and the more educated, the more likely, according to the survey.”

Eh hem. I’m still waiting for my honorary degree.

The Adult Store Goes Mainstream

Bi-textual

August 9, 2009

SextingIf you’ve read my Vortexts post, you already know how I feel about playing out a budding relationship over your cell phone. If you haven’t, here’s the short of it: DON’T DO IT!

Just ’cause someone’s on the other receiving end of the line doesn’t mean you’ve “connected”. Pick up the phone, make a date, and feel the real.

That goes for all you h0rny American teens. And the Brits too. Stop snappin’ pictures of your naughty bits and sending them all over the Queen’s territory. Police warn of teenage sexting.

I Can Has Chili Sleazburger

July 26, 2009

128295977416407500disizwuticaldeer yoonavirs:

i bee sorree 4 wuteva i deed 2 rooin mah deighting karma.

Eef iz promiss 2 play nicerer, wil ewe plz maik da bad menz stahp ryetng?

kthxbai!

SW

Do you make good chili?

“Chili al Fresco”
by Sleazburger

We sauteed the onions for the chili,
made it spicier.

Our tender kisses
became spicier, too.
“I don’t know whether to eat
or have sex,” you moaned.
I knew the answer.

We turned off the gas, but
the heat still soared in the bedroom.

I was tired from our morning romp,
went soft several times.
You persisted
and we reveled
in the clouds and rain.

Still astride me,
still hotly connected,
you softly stroked my chest
and channeled your loving,
healing energy into me.

Later, I gentled your belly of fears,
and held you while you cried your pain,
channeled the compassionate one.

We finally ate,
naked,
by candlelight.
Magical, mystic music
massaged our souls.

I lightly stroked your body and
we purred serenely into the night.

Our love blossomed beautifully,
like the white gladiolas
on my altar.

It was hot chili al fresco
muy delicioso!

Jon Minus Nine

July 3, 2009