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October 25, 2008

Vortexes. I’m sure that at some point in my basic science education I learned about them. Whirling masses of water or air that form a visible column or spiral, they are, you know… like a whirlpool or (more violently) a tornado. Since I do not own a dog named Toto nor am I part of that Discovery Channel storm tracker team, I do not know how often vortexes occur in nature. (With all this climate change, I’d presume they’ve been happening a lot more often lately). However, being part of a self-appointed Relationship Tracker team (no army tank or helmet needed ladies – messes up the hair!), and a survivor of a few myself, I can tell you how often I see vor-TEXTS in the dating world.

Bobby was a close friends of an old roommate of mine. He was way young and terribly shy, but a real sweetheart. We stayed in touch after I moved out, and as time passed, started hanging out now and again. After a couple of terribly awkward conversations about where all this hanging out was going, it appeared that we’d decided to take our friendship to the next level.

We never got there. At first, there was a flurry of emails back and forth. He must of written me fifty emails and texts on any given day. But he never picked up the phone to ask me out. When I asked him about going on a real date (like with flowers and me in a sexy dress and all that shit), he suddenly became too busy at work or grad school. When plans finally materialized, I showed up for dinner to find him sitting at the bar drinking a beer with his best friend.

After a few weeks of swirling around in this state, I finally started to clue in. My superior research skills confirmed my suspicions- he had listed himself as “single” on MySpace (smart enough), but his girlfriend had not. There were hearts and flowers and “I love Bobby Johnson!” all over her page. How sweet.

Years have passed since Bobby, but I’ve heard of a few dozen vortexts occurring amongst friends. It plays out more or less in the same way. After a great first date, a flurry of emails and texts go back and forth. Heat builds on her side, pressure builds on his. All of a sudden, he flakes. Were they supposed to meet up tonight? Oh shit. He’s made other plans.

Yet Saturday night rolls around, and there he is, texting to see if she wants to “hang out”. Yeah, like tits out, pants down.

There are a billion reasons for the vortextes. In my case, he had a girlfriend. In others, he’s been hurt, he’s a player, he’s not ready for a girlfriend, or he’s just not in to you.

Why are girls so vulnerable to the vortext? They’re drawn to the immediacy and intimacy of the contact. They think it means something. They all say the same thing to me: “but he wrote to ME. He texted ME”. I can just see the train of thought chugging down its track…. “he must have been thinking of me all day! OMG. I think he’s the one. Now, where can I register for Feistaware?”

No, my friends, you’re in a vortext. And it doesn’t really matter why or how you got there. Turn off your iPhone/PDA/computer/other electronic device. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest shelter. Wait the thing out. I promise you- it will pass over and find new fertile ground.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 14, 2008 9:02 AM

    The story about you and Bobby is really nice to think back. Reminded me about my past relationship with a shy guy.


  1. Bi-textual « Ms. Matched

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