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Prey Dates

June 23, 2008

With today’s economy clocking in as slower than molasses, people are tightening their belts. The big players in online dating services have seen this reflected in lower growth rates of their subscriber base. Interestingly enough, this has not been the case for sites catering to special interest and demographic specific audiences. Far from off the market, singles continue to pursue their unalienable right to life, liberty, happiness… and, of course, love. Niche dating companies (both free and subscriber based) have experienced explosive growth in terms the number of new members.

One of the more recent entrants to make a bang on the scene is a site where ‘half cocked’ is a triple entrendre and a ‘shotgun wedding’ doesn’t necessarily mean the kid’ll be a “preemie”. Without further ado, I present: Gun Lovers Passions. It’s true. Card carrying NRA members can now count themselves amongst the varied constituencies on the hotlist of .com entrepreneurs. Those looking to populate a militia or just find that special someone to drive the getaway car finally have a rest stop to call their own on the information superhighway.

I have to admit: my initial reaction upon reading about this site on Dave Evans weekly wrap-up was something to the effect of:

“2012 – here we come!”

The open minds of New Englanders are known to close up shop where subject of gun toting is concerned. I am no different and, for the record: Yes. I do see the irony considering that we live in the birthplace of the first American militia movement. Needless to say, it won’t come as a surprise to anyone that there is only one profile listed for the entire Northeast. (Stay strong picture-less lady in Western Massachusetts. Reinforcements are, no doubt, on the way.)

Having grown up with Midwestern parents, I’m well aware that the rest of the country is different and that different isn’t always bad. (Hell – my father grew up hunting and knows how to shoot a bazooka and he’s not scary. Well… at least not to me.) Despite my personal reservations about weapons (concealed or otherwise), I decided to look further.

What I found surprised me: an overall tongue-in-cheek tone accompanied by hilarious graphics. Get this: singles can choose to play with others or (this is a direct quote) “Play with Themselves” using an online gaming feature. While PETA is unlikely to endorse titles like “Duck Hunt”, the game selections aren’t as violent as I had expected. (No sniper training module… yet).

I honestly didn’t expect to fall in love on such a bizarre site, but lo’ and behold, I am smitten by the team behind <creepy/hilarious>passions.com. The list of their sister sites vaulted them to personal hero status.

Mime Passions
Stache Passions
Scientology Passions
Horror Passions
Paranormal Passions
Mullet Passions
Pirates Passion

    If match.com were this hysterical, I would have no use for their 6 month guarantee. I’d be married by now. Granted, all the mainstream members would begin a mass exodus for fear that they’d have to walk the plank. There’d still be enough people left to make it viable. The mimes would only pretend to leave. The staches would be too preoccupied tying damsels to train tracks. The horror/paranormal/mullet folks won’t hear any of the hubbub over the screams/alien radio chatter/flowbee engines. (N.B. – I decided not to diss the scientologists as I may want to work in the entertainment industry at some point in the future.)

    Anyway- enough about what differentiates the niché sites from their larger mainstream counterparts. Let’s focus what most online daters have in common: unoriginal and lame headlines.

    My favorite is “Insert Witty Headline Here”. Had I been perusing profiles for non-research purposes I would have clicked to the next profile. (My thought being that any person asking you to do shit for them before you’ve met is way too high maintenance.) This time I took a different tact: shut-up and do whatever the guy with the gun asks.

    Witty Headlines for Lazy Daters:

    1. Put a gun to my head… uhhh, please?
    2. Click here for a season pass to the Gun Show. [Suggested main pic – shirtless and flexing]
    3. You are my target market.
    4. If you were shot through the heart, I’d be to blame.
    5. Actually, I would prefer a shotgun wedding.
    6. Currently over-exercising my right to bare arms [Suggested main pic – wear a tank top and flex]
    7. My gun ain’t the only thing that’s smokin’.
    8. Like staring down a gun-barrel full of monkeys
    9. Wanted PYT to be my PIC (partner-in-crime)
    10. Gentlemen: Puh-lease conceal your weapons!

    Please feel free to add your own headline suggestions in the comments section when you write to say how much you appreciate the “Four Horsebutts of the Apocalypse” pic shown above.

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    2 Comments leave one →
    1. June 24, 2008 11:02 PM

      If only I had done my homework. Looking forward to hanging out with you at MimePassions.Your headlines made me weep, with laughter.

    2. mizzsylviawinchester permalink
      June 25, 2008 1:36 PM

      Mr. E –

      Good to see that you’re thinking outside the imaginary box too. Rest assured – we’ll get you your mime.

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