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I like you. You’ll be married within a year.

February 29, 2008

I have a confession to make. Every once in a while, I go trolling around the internet to see what my exes are up to. I know, so does everyone one else on the planet. My cyber-stalking’s a bit different though. About a year ago, I was browsing through so I could see a bridesmaid gown that my friend had picked out for me. I got to thinking… fingers got to typing… and I started looking up the wedding registries of every ex boyfriend I could find. Sadly, I didn’t need the website to tell me what I already knew.

Besides confirming that my ex has terrible taste in tableware (Rainbow Fiestaware? Seriously?), I confirmed my curse was still alive and well. You see, with just one exception, all of my ex boyfriends have been engaged within two years of our break up. In one case, he moved out to California and married someone within two months of dumping me. But that was one was special ‘cuz I don’t think he ever really broke up with her while we were dating. Sweet.

There’s such a clear pattern, it’s become a joke amongst my friends. They’ve tried giving me cute nicknames, but of none of ’em have really stuck. If you’re reading this and can think of something cute, post it, I’d love to hear it. “Prep School” is the only one with any staying power, and I’m rather proud of that one, since I do see myself preparing these young gents for advanced learning. Seriously, if you’re a man and you’d like to get married, come find me and I will mold you.

Whenever I find that yet another one has bitten the dust, I turn to Craigslist’s “Best of” for a pick-me-up. It was there that I found my sister in suffering.

From “Best of Craigslist”
I like you. You’ll be Married within the Year.
Date: 2005-03-14, 4:56PM EST

Some girls go for Tall, Dark and Handsome.
Some girls like ’em to have fancy cars and lots of money.
Others prefer brains or brawn.

Not me.
I have a special gift.
A proven track record.

I go for marriagable men.

And I like you.
It means you’ll be married within the year.

Don’t be mistaken. You wont be marrying me. Oh no. This intuitive power I have only benefits others. Instead, you’ll marry a classmate, roommate, friend, sister. I’ll probably even introduce you to each other.

But seriously, you’ve caught my eye. So, you’d better start thinking about china patterns and saving vaction days for your honeymoon.

Some girls say they always choose the wrong men. The ones who will never commit. I have no such luck. I always choose the ones ready to tie the knot. Ready to settle down. Ready for “I do”.

But…they don’t commit to me!

It began in high school. It was Dan, my older man. I was a sophmore, he was a senior. It lasted three years until distance proved too much. He went to Minnesota for school, I was finishing high school on the east coast. He decided to study a year overseas. We said goodbye smiling. The next time he said “Hello” was with a wedding invitation 8 months later. Apparently some Austrian chick had grabbed him by his strudel with her blonde curls.

Then came college and I created 2 more committed relationships.

I learned my lesson with older men and tried dear James, who was younger. That didn’t work. He married my roommate before I graduated. Apparently she grabbed him by his cradle and it rocked. I sang in your wedding.

And Oh, Mike. I thought maybe you were it. I was in so in love with you. We just fit. Until I changed, and You changed. Our goodbye was teary as we’d loved each other well for three years. But, apparently you changed into someone who could love my best friend. You only dated for three months before proposing. Nothing about that rocked, ass.

Then 3 years of grad school.
Ben was first. I should have known you were in love with someone else the whole 6 months we dated. This one was my fault. Still, you could have waited for our sheets to cool before you married her. But, you know what they say about a rolling stone…

And Rob, I wish you the best with my little sister. Dear god you were hot… and so successful. I fell for you the minute I saw you. I never should have taken you home to meet my family so soon. Too bad your gigantic rock is now weighing down dear sister’s left hand.

And now it is you. I’ve fallen for you. We’ve grown together, tested each other, travelled together and trusted each other. You rock my world. I’ve let you meet my friends, my roommates and my sister. And you are still here a year and a half later.

So… I’d start saving for a ring. Composing some vows. Hell, rent a tux at this point.

Cause you’ll be married within a year.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. winniesylvester permalink*
    May 13, 2008 8:51 PM

    Dear Photo Editrice:

    The prep school picture is genius, given Feistaman’s predilections…


  2. Melissa permalink
    November 29, 2008 2:46 PM

    Oh my….this is my life, too!


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