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Poppin’ Fresh D’oh

July 31, 2007

Last year I began to cut back on dating (online & to a certain extent, the regular kind). Taking an occassional breather is great for the skin and keeps me from turning into a homicidal maniac. My profile is only up on two sites which get lower traffic in my area. Every now and then someone will write who doesn’t seem like a complete weirdo. (Well, weirdos are okay so long as they’re weird in an adorably quirky way.)

This guy started writing and we had a few exchanges. It wasn’t the kind of banter that had me all giddy, but he seemed nice. My philosophy: one date is a drop in the bucket. It’s more to gauge rapport than heavy vetting (or petting for that matter… usually). He did initiate contact and that’s a good thing. In my experience, a guy needs to think that getting together/becoming exclusive/getting serious is his idea for there to be any momentum. I don’t fully understand why, but I have chosen to take this at face value and have since stopped swimming upstream. I will concede that this probably has more to do with the type of men I, personally, am drawn to rather than a truism applicable to the entire gender. MOST men are this way. Some are just plain clueless or in a coma. Oh- almost forgot: there are lots of stunningly attractive gay men.

When it’s time to make a date, I check in with the winsome Mizz Winnie. Besides wanting to sidestep dating the same man as my best friend, it’s not a bad idea (safety-wise) to make sure someone could identify said suitor in a police line-up should I not be returned home in one piece. I’ve watched one too many marathons of Forensic Files to not cover that base.

There is another reason that makes Winnie’s consultation a true value added service. She this knack for picking up on red flags that escape my attention.

Specifically – she checks for rings. It’s not something I think to do at first. Perhaps it’s naiveté: I take for granted that married men don’t have profiles on dating sites. I know there are more than a few examples that highlight the error of this assumption.

In this instance, she pointed out the blurry band-like item on his (right) hand which was holding the cell phone camera used to take the self portrait in the bathroom mirror. (I know, I know- I shoulda known better than to overlook such a cardinal deal breaker.) Transposed in the mirror it appeared to be the left hand at first glance. This is common online profile mistake. Several folks use it as a creative memories scrapbook. Not the best use of the medium. Find someplace else – online or off – to post post pictures of your bathroom. Probably best to put scans of advanced degrees, detail shortcomings or document that really bad haircut from June of 2005 in that same (less public) place.

Keep it basic, after all the objective is simple: raise as few red flags as possible. It’s not too much to ask… most women want the same thing I do: the dream that this next guy isn’t going to be worse than her last bad dating story. Granted, mine is a cynical stance but don’t forget that love is a battlefield. I digress… the ring thing was sketch so I stopped writing. At which point I received the following:

From: John D’oh
Subject: no way
I am that boring that you have already desisted with the emails?

From: me
Boring? That’s harsh. I figure you’re saving the real gems so as not to overwhelm me with your awesomeness.

Kidding aside: my spidey sense kicked-in when taking a second look at your picture. The band like item on your ring finger… well, it gave me pause.

D'OhHey Sylvia,
You are the sixth person who has mentioned this. The problem is the picture was taken in the mirror. Hence, everything is in reverse. I can assure you I am not a maaried man. This really is comical. Maybe I
should switch the
picture?

Full disclosure: my high school girlfriend and me were convinced we were going to get married. Shockingly this did not come to fruition(ha ha). She ended up marrying a close friend. Have a good day.

Here’s a sampling of what ran through my mind when I read the above message:

  1. Uhhhh… whaaaaaah?
  2. Maybe he should switch the picture? Really… maybe??? Surely that idea occured to him around lady number four.
  3. Averse to executing basic self-correction = my worst nightmare. (i.e.- Jane D’oh: “Honey- did you notice that your rancid boxers have been on the bedroom floor for the past three months.”
    John D’oh: “You brought that to my attention last month. Maybe I should pick them up?)
  4. Even when business is slow, no more making exceptions for guys who post pictures of themselves in “the library”. (In my defense and to his credit, he was wearing a shirt and the toilet wasn’t in the frame.)
  5. Why was he taking sketchy bathroom cell phone pics while in a committed relationship???

Seriously- I wanna smack the stupid out of this guy. Maybe he can go forth and live good life as a contributing citizen of the global community and loving partner to a woman with more patience (albeit lower standards) than I.

Hell – if I didn’t already spend my discretionary years of pointless dating I would happily feed this guy chicken soup while he nurses that achy-breaky heart. Since I have neither the time or inclination to perform this public service, I’m afraid I must step to the side. (It’s not quite “half-past” an ovary, having crossed the threshold into my thirties one could say “quarter-to” is around the bend.)

Something, perhaps my spidey sense, tells me that this gent is not quite in a “space” where a friendly pointer would be well received… or plain old perceived. As such, I need to get something off my chest and here is as good a place as any.

Dude?!… YES… you should take that picture down.

…and that’s I’ve got to say about that.

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