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Straight up- hold the twist

March 21, 2007

For six years, it was me. Officially four, but really six. I was the girlfriend. His girlfriend. There was no hemming and hawing or a big conversation. One day, he started referring to me as his girlfriend. It was coy, and cute… and clear. I loved him and he loved me. That part was simple.

The rest? Not so much. So it ended. It’s over. Yet still my mind wanders… and I wonder:

Were they drawn to each other from across the room at a crowded party? Cause we were. It was magic… chemistry… attraction. I said to myself, “Damn, he is the most attractive man I’ve seen tonight… maybe even ever.” Next thing I knew he was standing next to me… and he stayed there… for as long as he could. As long as I could spare before trying to build a life with roots, instead drifting aimlessly with him.

Does he squeeze her “tender meats” (the sensitive tissue of the under arm) while they’re watching TV? I would always let him until he got carried away and left a mark. I’d whine indignantly, sometimes while pinching him in the same place. His response would always be the same. “I’em sorreee. I cahhn’t helllp mysalf. It’s soo smooootha.” Eyes crossed. Lips pursed.

Has he taken her to any of our places? Does he do that succession of lilting grunts to let her know he’s “in the mood”? Is goofy with her? Does he do that silly looking Irish stepdancing routine to cheer her up? Or does she not get sad, and in turn make him happier?

It seems weird that I wonder about the intimate details, when I don’t even want to know her name. Real people have names and I don’t want her to be real or attribute thoughts and feelings to her. I don’t want to think about her feelings for him… and his for her. But I do, and I am. I don’t want her to be prettier than me, more right for him, embraced tighter by his family. It’s selfish and insecure, but that’s what it is and how I feel in this particular moment.

Most of all, I can’t stand the thought of her getting what he couldn’t give me: a definitive affirmative decision… a promise… a shared future…

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