Ms. Matched

Dear My Ex-boyfriends:

You will all be happy to know that I had a very productive morning. I registered to vote first thing. Who knew civic participation would be so energizing?

Wait, I think you fellows knew – no? All of a sudden I get why y’all have been enthusiastically forwarding Obama endorsements.

Yeahhhh… about that…

In the interest of getting your guy enough electoral college credits to graduate, you may want to consider paring down your email list by excluding folks from the following key demographics:

• Past sex partners with whom you have not made contact since last you “partnered”. (If you wanted to lock in my vote, you shouldn’t have dropped of the face of the earth, ya scrote.)

• Women for whom you had gone so far as to pick out the florist from which to send flowers after becoming <ahem> better acquainted, didn’t and later made the unsolicited confession that you ixne’d the owersflay for fear that she would like ya too much. (Newsflash: Me liking you too much is no longer an issue, pal.)

9 out of 10 pollsters agree that spamming members of the above constituencies is not doing your guy any favors. In short, uncommitted female voters are unlikely to heed suggestion regarding presidential candidate selection from the non-commital guy who they’ve seen with an erection.

Your fiend,

SW