I Can Has Chili Sleazburger July 26, 2009
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in Bad Poetry, Cheeseburger, E-males, Emails, Life Online.add a comment
deer yoonavirs:
i bee sorree 4 wuteva i deed 2 rooin mah deighting karma.
Eef iz promiss 2 play nicerer, wil ewe plz maik da bad menz stahp ryetng?
kthxbai!
SW
Do you make good chili?
“Chili al Fresco”
by SleazburgerWe sauteed the onions for the chili,
made it spicier.Our tender kisses
became spicier, too.
“I don’t know whether to eat
or have sex,” you moaned.
I knew the answer.We turned off the gas, but
the heat still soared in the bedroom.I was tired from our morning romp,
went soft several times.
You persisted
and we reveled
in the clouds and rain.Still astride me,
still hotly connected,
you softly stroked my chest
and channeled your loving,
healing energy into me.Later, I gentled your belly of fears,
and held you while you cried your pain,
channeled the compassionate one.We finally ate,
naked,
by candlelight.
Magical, mystic music
massaged our souls.I lightly stroked your body and
we purred serenely into the night.Our love blossomed beautifully,
like the white gladiolas
on my altar.It was hot chili al fresco
muy delicioso!
Who’s My Daddy? June 15, 2009
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in Bad Poetry, E-males, Emails, Life Online, okcupid.com.Tags: creepy old guys, ew, Father's Day, Who's your daddy?
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With all the buzz about the ‘Cougar’ phenomenon, I have been concerned. The less I hear about the May/December pairings, the more I worry that this time-honored male fantasy has gone the way of the dodo bird.
Just when I thought all hope was lost, the clouds literally parted as a dodo emerged. My inbox welcomed a digital overture from a 60 year old man ready to start making some babies. Sweet.
(They don’t call them ’sextegenerians’ for nothing.)
I was excited to receive his many emails. Only one thing about his profile gave me pause… Given the already gaping age gap his life experience advantage, the main picture choice is curious. He’s decked out in a Revolutionary War period costume.
(He might as well have gone for Paleolithic.)
Here’s an excerpt from the message I received:
Are you at all intrigued with our possibilities, even if only for interesting conversations? I enjoy meeting and getting to know people. As with all things in life, one never knows what might become of such interactions. I realistically view meeting others as doors opening into the future, to be enjoyed and explored without any preconceived notions of where they will go or become.
As flattering as the attention is, let’s keep it real. How many men have you known to approach a woman on a dating site for ‘interesting conversations’?
(My point exactly.)
So, how does one respond to such an email?
(In poetic verse… naturally.)
My Dad is cool.
He’s 61 and super great.
Given that you’re close to his age,
I’d prefer not to date.
Still, good luck to you, Sir.
Be patient while you wait.
Hope you find a fertile lady
With whom to procreate.
Beach Bummer February 17, 2009
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in A-musings, E-males, Emails, Life Online, manstruation.add a comment
From: BeachMan
To: Me
Subject: Dear 25% Jew
I did laugh. You know yourself. Care to write some for me? Tell me where you came from, and why marketing?
From: Me
To: BeachMan
Subject: Re: Dear 25% Jew
Glad to have provided entertainment. I try.
As for why marketing, [Personal information redacted].
So, Mr. Beachman – do you have a first name? I figure your parents must’ve given you one to put on all those diplomas. 
S
From: BeachMan
To: Me
Subject: Namesake
Ken is my name. What about you?
From: Me
To: BeachMan
Subject: Namesake
Sylvia. Nice to ‘meet’ you. 
From: BeachMan
To: Me
Subject: RE: Re: Namesake
You too.
{Match.com form letter}
From: BeachMan
To: Me
Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we’re just not a good match. Good luck in your search!
Our profiles didn’t match on:
• Values
Don’t get discouraged!
With millions of singles on Match.com, you’re bound to find a few that aren’t right for you. Don’t let that stop you; instead, search for and contact other members who are waiting to meet you!
From: Me
To: BeachMan
Subject Re: Match.com Message: Thanks, but…
Ken,
Dude, buddy, pal… you wrote to me. (I heard y’all didn’t read our profiles, but I guess it’s true.
Best ‘o luck,
Sylvia
From: BeachMan
To: Me
Subject: RE: Re: Thanks, but…
True, might of been the slip of hand.
*UNSENT*
From: Me
To: BeachMan
Subject: RE: Re: Thanks, but…
It’s all good. Keyboards can be quite slippery… I guess. (Is one of your Master’s, by chance, in Bation?)
S
Sic Puppy August 21, 2008
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in E-males, Emails.Tags: advanced learning, Cougar, don't be a douche, flowers, mentoring, proposition, Training Program, what women want, younger man
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Sofa King Uncomfortable July 31, 2008
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in E-males, Emails, Life Online.add a comment
Hello:
You sound awesome, I really felt comfortable with what you had to say in your profile and think its worth getting to know one another in whatever way makes you feel comfortable, what are your thoughts?
Have an awesome day!
Dirk : )
Dear Dirk,
Thoughts? Your form letter makes me uncomfortable.
Awesome.
Sylvia
Drop It Like It’s Not April 23, 2008
Posted by winniesylvester in Emails.1 comment so far
From: Dirtyharry07@talkmatch.com
To: Ms. Matched
Re: Top 7 Answers To Your QuestWell, I absolutely *loved* your profile!! We seem to share a sense of humor and many interests. I’m sitting around here with a bit too much time on my hands (ok, WAY too much) and thought I’d take a shot at your question…
“If I drop it like it’s hot, will you pick it up?”
7. “But of course; I’ve never picked up anything that wasn’t hot since my drunken roadtrip senior year”!
6. “Well, okay, but you have to buy me dinner first”.
5. “No Way! I’m not into feet. Perv.”
4. “With pleasure! But you have to promise to reciprocate.”
3. “Sure: I’d love to inspect that foundation”.
2. ” Hell Yes! but if you want me on my knees you only have to ask!”
1. Sure, if it’s the key to get inside (your) brick house!!!!
TA DA!!!!!
- Harry
From: Winnie Sylvester
To: Sylvia Winchester
Re: Fw: Top 7 Answers To Your Quest
Clever, but my tagline “if I drop it like it’s hot, will you pick it up?” refers to whether you can keep up with me mentally, not whether you can generate somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 to 10 dirty responses to my tagline.
If I wanted that, I’d post on Craigslist.
hoooolddd meeeee.
Disco Dud April 4, 2008
Posted by winniesylvester in Emails.Tags: Emails
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Typically, we’ll post a full email and then our fictional response, but this one was worth a play-by-play.
Hello, my name is Nick and I wanted to introduce myself to you. You kept your profile very concise and modest. I like it because it increases the mystery and the incentive to discover more.
Flattery is good, Nick, very good.
Like many on this site, I am blessed to have a great family, great friends, and a career I enjoy. I’m sure you do as well. Are you asleep yet? Sometimes I re-read what I wrote and I’m already bored to death… haha.
Nope. I am very much awake and wondering why you would send me an email that bored you.
OK. Let’s have a little fun then. If you are so inclined, name for me the last movie you really enjoyed and why you liked it so much.
Heh. I usually save the movie question for an awkward pause in the conversation… oh, right… here we are….
I’ll go first: I just rented “Garden State”. First, I like Natalie Portman quite a bit so that alone was an incentive to watch it. Some of the movie was slow and plodding, but it got good at the end, when they went to the quarry. The best part was the airport scene and the raw emotion that they were feeling. Her crying nearly broke my heart.
So, you like your emotion raw, eh? That’s too bad. I like it well done. (Natalie Portman, I apologize. I used you for a bad joke.)
Good luck in the cyber-disco. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
There’s a disco on the web?!!!
Shit. I need to get out less.
Randumb March 27, 2008
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in Emails.add a comment
From: fozzybear911
Date: 01/23/2008 – 5:29am
Subject: what keeps that glimmer in your eyes smileyhow do you like <city name redacted>. how do you feel about the religious right?
Dear Fozzy-
Great questions set my eyes ah-twinklin’ and I prefer secular southpaws.
Love in Christ,
SW
Peas Seeking Carats March 22, 2008
Posted by mizzsylviawinchester in A-musings, Emails.add a comment
Dear {current potential love interest},
It’s hard to believe I’ve only known you for {insert approp. time frame}. Your efforts have been thoroughly appreciated and duly noted. Who knew {insert shared activity} could be such an utter blast?!# I simply lost track of time.
This next part is hard to say in a breezy tone, so I’ll just come out with it.
[Pause for effect while reader wonders what comes after the drumroll.]
At some point, my hopes for our budding acquaintance are likely to be dashed. We all know what a spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of gal I am so I would like to have the opportunity to be surprised and genuinely taken aback. However, there are mitigating factors involved (the usual- friendships, standard weekly commitments, business obligations and I am trying to work in time for either origami or belly dancing lessons).
To that end, a general outline of your usual dating patterns would be helpful. Here are a few examples of the kind of information I seek:
- Is your casually mentioning shared future activities/plans more than a polite conversation transition?
- If you take down your online profile, does it mean that you have your hands full dating 3 other ladies OR are you using the extra time to pick out tasteful names for our children and select a China pattern?
Feel free to riff on these questions and attach any pertinent estimated timelines for phone call frequency decrescendo, supplemental graphs and stick figure illustrations. Do keep in mind that, like clockwork, I will be particularly susceptible to bouts of insecurity and emotional upheaval due to hormonal surges every 14th through the 16th. Kindly consider this when planning any displays of erratic behavior and disclosures of a disturbing nature.
Cautiously yours,
SW
Under cover letter writer March 13, 2008
Posted by winniesylvester in A-musings, Emails.Tags: Evan Marc Katz, online dating email advice
2 comments
You may have noticed an uptick in blog posts. That’s because I’m currently unemployed and find it easier to write long blog posts than to drum up clever cover letters. Mine are as dry as melba toast. Ugh. It’s awful. I finally broke down and bought a book called “Dynamic Cover Letters” by Katharine and Randall Hansen. Besides posting several sample winning cover letters, they dissect some truly terrible ones to highlight the do’s and don’ts.
This got me thinking about an email I received from a Matchman some time ago and for whatever reason saved in my inbox. It wasn’t the worst email I’ve ever received (Sylvia and I must get started on a “Hall of Shame”). It was one of the saddest, though. It was also quite effective, if his purpose was to clearly communicate that he was (in his own words) a stupid, bitter, hollow shell of a man who turned to Vegas for comfort.
I’ve included the email below, and what I learned about writing good online dating emails.
I think Homer (Simpson) pretty much summed up the way I have been thinking lately…”Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”. That seems to fit in so many ways. First, sometimes I can’t believe what an idiot I am (I just have to sit back and laugh), and second, it seems like all the women I have been meeting lately are high maintenance.
Since I am sure it is a turn-off (and you must be curious), after about a year of “trying to work it out” my wife and I have decided to call it quits. I guess I used to have a job where I traveled 80% of the time and woke up one day and decided I no longer wanted to work 70 hrs a week. I changed jobs where I work from home and have a flexible schedule. I guess that is when she decided she liked the idea of me better then actually having me around.
On a side note, I just got back from Vegas with some friends where they signed my up for match.com (one of them recently got married from a girl he met here). So I figured as I sit here and try to piece together the shattered remains of my soul (Vegas has a tendency to rip it apart) I thought I would drop you a line and say hi. I am getting ready for another trip (didn’t I say I don’t travel anymore) but would love to exchange a message or two while I am away. I am seriously contemplating a cross country trip. If you have a recommended stop or two, let me know.
I am sure you get about 20 messages a day, but I hope you take a second to reply.
Mike
Email 101
First thing’s first: An introductory email should be no more than 10 sentences. You need just enough to pique someone’s interest. You have plenty of time to scare them away later.
It should be tailored to the person you’re writing to. Everyone can spot a form letter- if you’re looking for someone who’s equally uninterested in getting to know you, then by all means, keep sending them.
I’ve included some pointers, along with how I would have rewritten Mike’s email:
Step One:
Say something that the reader might find interesting or funny to break the ice. If it’s related to something they mentioned in their profile, all the better.
“This whole online dating thing reminds me of a quote from Homer Simpson… ‘Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!’. I hate that we’re all paying some site 30 bucks a month to set us up on dates! But, hey, Match works… I have a friends who married a girl he met here.”
Step Two:
If you are in a situation that you feel needs to be explained, mention it here.
My wife and I recently separated, so I’m not ready to dive in to a relationship right now, but I would like to dip my toes in the dating pool and meet some nice people.”
Step Three:
Most importantly, include one or two things that establishes a connection.
“You’re a coffee freak too, huh? Have you ever been to the C & C Coffee Factory on Main Street? The owner has the cutest little pug that hangs out on the porch.”
This totally sets you up to ask for a coffee date. I just added the pug ‘cuz girls love little dogs. A friend who shall remain nameless suggested that you should work the following surefire words into your email: monkeys or pirates. Why? ‘Cuz who doesn’t like monkeys and pirates
Step Four:
Ask a question that’s related to their profile to get the conversation going.
“So, I read in your profile that you took a cross- country trip? I’ve been seriously contemplating one myself. What’s the one story from your trip that you just can’t stop telling people?”
Step Five:
Sign off. Avoid the “I’m not really worth a response, but I hope you’ll write!”
If you must, say… “looking forward to hearing from you”…
Go forth and give this formula a shot. If you’re not getting more responses, you let us know. We’ll send you more words, like “ninja”. Genius.
When you’re ready for email writing 201, check out Evan Marc Katz (if you don’t have him bookmarked already!) and his article about writing introductory emails: Writing Introductory Emails That Get Response
